12 Problems Only Women Who Hate Cuddling Will Understand
In certain contexts, cuddling is really very nice. Next to sex, it’s a good way to be ~intimate~ with someone you like and therefore want to be close to. But it’s no secret that some people like it better than others, which is a nice way of saying some people really despise it. For women — people who are stereotypically expected to be warm and mushy and lovesnuggling (*gag*) — it can be especially difficult to hate cuddling. If you are one of these women, here are 12 problems you probably encounter regularly.
1. Waking up covered in 80 gallons of sweat. Sleeping next to someone is like sleeping next to a space heater and/or rampant fire. Especially if that someone is a man. Man bodies run at approximately 90 billion degrees Fahrenheit. The only way to avoid waking up drenched like you spent the night in a sauna is to sleep with 3 feet of space between you and the human furnace in bed with you.
2. Feeling like you’re in a dang prison underneath someone’s heavy arm.Sleeping under an arm is like sleeping under a dead weight, because it basicallyis sleeping under a dead weight. It’s like being in a wrestling hold all night long. It’s not sexy or cute. It’s a trap!
3. Not being able to see half the TV screen because someone’s body is blocking it. Yes, sure, it’s nice to spoon on the couch for the entirety of Grey’s Anatomy. But how can you possibly see all the drama going down if you’re in the role of big spoon? You can’t! And that takes a priority over cuddling, sorry.
4. Wondering if they can feel you farting against their leg under the covers. IDK, IDK, can someone physically feel a fart escaping your butt? It’s too risky to chance it. Better safe than sorry — keep all appendages a full 12 inches from your booty at all times during sleep.
5. Realizing you suddenly only have about 4 inches of space for your entire body. Manspreading is not relegated to only waking life. Even in their subconscious sleeping state, men naturally take up as much space as they possibly can. It’s amazing you don’t wake up underneath the bed, to be honest. Cuddling only exacerbates this whole issue.
6. Feeling, *ahem*, something up against your back in the middle of the night. It’s perfectly normal and fine for dudes to get boners in their sleep. But it’s also perfectly normal and fine to not want to be aware of every single erection a guy pops in his slumber.
7. Losing half your pillow real estate to someone else’s big head. Unless you’re doing a really awkward cuddle position in which your bodies are pressed together and your necks are craned so your heads are a foot apart, cuddling requires pillow-sharing. The thing about pillows is they’re really only big enough for one head. Two heads is way too crowded and, frankly, it throws off the whole balance of the pillow.
8. Incredibly rank morning breath.Technically this is a problem all people can understand, but if you’re cuddling, all that nasty breath is right up in your face. Blech.
9. Feeling like you’re on the verge of falling off the couch at any moment.Most couches are just not built for two people to lay side-by-side on. Even in a very tight spoon position. The only couches that deep are the ones you somehow always find lurking in the basement and are so old and saggy they can’t really be called “furniture” anymore.
10. Not being able to sleep in the Perfect Sleeping Position it’s taken you years to find. It may seem ridiculous, but it took your entire life to realize that on your back with one arm behind your head and one leg crossed behind the other is the key to a perfect night’s rest. This position is not conducive to any interference from a cuddling partner.
11. Not knowing how to politely tell someone you love, “Please, can you backoff.” Those who love cuddling tend to get deeply offended when you admit that you are not someone who loves cuddling. Truly it’s unfair. It’s not personal! It’s just … personal space.
12. Being accused of being “cold” or “mean” when really you’d just like a little legroom. Not wanting to cuddle does not equal not loving someone! Why is this so difficult for everyone to understand? You’re not a bitch just because you want to splay out in the middle the bed.