YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER GO ON THESE TYPE OF FIRST DATES

We’ve all been there. You swipe right, he swipes right. You start texting and he doesn’t attempt to immediately whip out a photo of his erect penis 3.5 seconds into the conversation. Jesus. He could be The One. But then he suggests an idea for your first date and it is horrifying. Like it makes you question everything you know about this person that you’ve never met IRL and whose existence you just discovered 7 days ago. You can’t trust anyone. Tbh if the suggestion is anything other than “let’s get drinks,” I’m not going. Like, you want me to show up to something where I might have to be sober? And talk to new people? And, like, have meaningful conversations? Nope, sorry. My personality is not cut out for that shit. I would rather you have just sent me that dick pic from the get-go so I would have already known you’re a fucking weirdo and moved on.

Personally, I’ve been asked on a lot of weird first dates. Like, dates that would surely have ended in the guy wearing my skin as a suit. And as it’s 2017, aka the era of thriving fuckboys, I can only imagine the worst is yet to come. So in order for you to protect yourselves from the fuckery that’s bound to ensue when you regularly use a dating app, these are six first date ideas that you should never ever agree to, ever:

1. Any Outdoor Excursion

First of all, if you’re into the “outdoors” and “doing things” then idk how we matched in the first place. I’m gonna take a wild guess here and assume that I was blackout when we matched or you had a dog in your profile picture. Just a guess. BUT if we did match and get to talking and you asked me to, like, go for a “hike” with you? Or go on a “boat ride in Central Park”? Honestly, I’m using the question marks here because I’m not entirely sure people do these things as I haven’t actively chosen to go outside in weeks. Asking for a friend, but do people do things anymore? Message me if you know! K, thx. REGARDLESS, if you think I’m trekking to some undisclosed outdoor location that a) does not include alcohol or b) has shitty wifi service then you are sorely mistaken, sir. I’ve seen this episode ofLaw & Order: SVU and it does not end well for the girl that follows a beautiful stranger into an electronic dead zone Central Park.

^Me when someone suggests going outside

2. Extravagant Trips To Europe

Contrary to whatThe Bachelorwould have you believe, first date trips to foreign countries are not actually, like, safe to go on with a stranger. Let me go out on a limb here and say that a person who suggests this type of date is less likely to be The One and more likely to be The One To Sell You Into Sex Slavery. Just saying.  And if you’re thinking, like, no one actually suggests things like this in real life then I applaud you because clearly you’re doing something right and not going flirting with psychopaths. Cheers! And though I’ve never personally been asked to meet someone in Europe for a first date (yet) this did really happen to a friend of mine. I wish I was joking. The scary thing is this friend was actually considering taking British Stranger Danger up on his offer. To which I responded with this:

But don’t take my word for it, I’m just a girl who’s successfully spent 25 years on this earth without being abducted and/or murdered. *screams internally* To be fair this girl did not end up murdered and/or someone’s sex slave. Shocking, I know. She actually had quite a lovely time, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I stand by my earlier statement about girls ending up dead. If you’ve seen any Liam Neeson movie then you should know that nothing good happens to girls when they travel abroad with strangers or very slutty friends. So just as a rule of thumb, maybe never go abroad to meet someone for the first time, lest your face end up on a milk carton. Just say no, girls. Say no to drugs, say no to unsolicited dick pics, and say no to free Euro trips—words I literally never thought I’d speak. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

3. A Wedding

If someone asks you to be their date at a wedding, just know that this date will 100 percent end in the guy emotionally masturbating his problems all over you by the end of the night. No normal, emotionally stable human would ask a dead-ass stranger to be his date to a wedding. This isn’t senior year formal. You can’t just ask some rando in the library to be your date so your ex will get jealous of all your pics. This is a wedding. A sacred moment between two strangers that you do not know because you are just a random person at this wedding. Never forget that. Tbh I barely want to go to people’s’ weddings whom I actually know and care for, much less a random couple’s wedding with a guy who def lied about his height in his Bumble bio. Nope. That idea is garbage and so is the human who suggested it. Next.

4. Stoop Invites

What is a stoop invite, you ask? It’s when a guy literally asks you to come “sit on his stoop.” Because this is New York City and no one owns anything it’s not even his own stoop, it’s the building’s stoop. So basically he just asked you to come sit on a public slab of concrete with him because he is a cheap motherfucking asshole. Though, I am sure “sitting on his stoop” is some sort of euphemism for where he’d really like you to sit. Vomit. Either way it’s cheap and creepy and I am not fucking down for that.

Guy:So you, me, mydickstoop… what do you say?

Me:


5. A Dinner Date

You might think I’m over exaggerating, which to be fair 99 percent of the time I totally am, but not this time because, people, a dinner date is a trap and you SHOULD NOT FALL FOR IT. It seems innocent enough, maybe even a little romantic because it seems like he’s down to spend more money on you than the one half-priced beer from whatever’s on tap at happy hour. But drinks can last 15 minutes (depending on how fast you chug) while dinner can last HOURS. I mean, what if you hated this dude by the time the waiter brings out the complimentary bread basket? Are you telling me that in order to indulge in something I love, I have to sit through 90 minutes of some douchebag who only wants to talk about ~in minute detail~ his last deep sea fishing trip with his bros? Tbh I’ve done less for free bread sticks. Either way dinner is not a good first date option. Maybe a second or a third date, but it’s def not something I want to sit through with a fucking stranger.

6. An Invitation To Cross State Lines

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, but even my hoe-ass has limitations and I draw a hard line at the New York state border. I have been in many a healthy mature Snapchat relationships since moving to New York that somehow always end in the guy saying, “actually I’m living in Jersey right now.” Like, what do you want me to do here? Take the PATH? New Jersey Transit? That seems like a lot of effort for someone who probs lied about his job title and def used a photo from his senior year frat formal for his profile pic. NOPE. Life’s too uncertain rn and I can’t waste my time on this foolishness so it’s gonna be a no from me. Sorry pal.

Jesus. This is seriously making me want to delete all of my dating apps rn. I want to, but I won’t. Because I am aromanticmasochist who likes wasting the best years of her life on guys whose best attempt at writing a bio is “I call myself Jared, but you can call me tonight ;)” *looks for the gun emoji*

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